Breasts

Like it or not, if you have breasts, are mildly attractive and can say “Zelda” without drool running down the side of your face – you’ve already got a huge advantage.  Your chances only increase with the amount of sexual attraction your body exudes and if you can actually form complete sentences, or even better, use basic video editing software, even poorly.  If you can do that, well, then you’ve probably already gotten noticed.  A picture of yourself holding a plastic guitar, licking any gaming peripheral, or being involved in a video where you’re playing Wii Fit in your underwear seems to be the ideal way to break into the industry.  Remember ‘hoola hoop girl’ from the Wii Fit video?  Yeah, she’s done work for EA as well as various other media outlets and if you think they don’t pay well…then you’re a moron and can’t be helped.  Or how about one of the best known faces on the web, Jessica Chobot?  You know how she got her start?  Sucking off a PSP.  Okay, she was licking it, same thing.  Thats right, the star of the Daily Fix, and Strategize, IGN’s poster girl…got her start by preforming fellatio on a PSP 1000.  It wasn’t even the 2000 model!  Granted Jessica “Chobots not my real name” Chobot seems to be able to string together words into intelligible sentences and actually has written things for IGN.  That just means I have a little more respect for her, but for the most part she looks pretty and reads off of a teleprompter.

Now this isn’t meant to be a woman bashing session as there are MANY, very talented women out there who’ve actually busted their asses to get where they are today.  Collette Bennet of Tomopop and Japanator is a great example of a woman who is a phenomenal writer that built her career off of hard work.  Actually, I should blame men for this being the number one thing on the list.  If our gender wasn’t full of gullible morons who seem to think they identify with a girl because she accidently picked up a controller once then this wouldn’t be an issue.  For some reason, when a male gamer sees a girl near anything even remotely related to gaming they get all excited and cant help but click the video, or read the article.  Thats why having breasts is such an advantage.  Guys, if you have breasts, well then you’ll actually have the exact opposite effect.  If you have breasts and are reading this, please walk around for 30 minutes.  Even if it’s just back and forth to the fridge.

I should probably take my own advice.

Be a Douche

Well if you’re a guy, you’ve already got that working against you so what can you do?  Well you can be a douche.  Now let me clarify that statement.  Many people see Jim Sterling as a douche but what they don’t realize is he’s a douche with style.  Jim has found a magical balance of sarcasm, honesty and swearwords that are eaten up by anyone with an internet connection.  See, I don’t actually think that he’s a douche because I have an IQ over 5.  I know that he’s stating an opinion in a humorous manner and I respect him for that, as does everyone else who enjoys his articles with me realizing he’s being satirical most of the time rather than sincere.  Not only is he a great writer, but those with IQ’s below 5 ,who feel the need to jump to the defense of the multi-billion dollar company he chooses to rip on, are just giving him more views and getting more interest generated in his articles.  Luckily those same people would never read this much text.

If you can write in a comical manner that pisses off the people too dumb to understand sarcasm then you’re golden.  This is a fine line however, one that can get you labeled an asshole or worse yet, get you a job at Gamespot for at least a few months before they fire you for honesty.  Speaking of honesty, don’t forget it!  If you ever become a writer you may feel pressure to give a shitty game a good score even if you think it’s a huge pile of donkey shit that you would rather set on fire than recommend to someone.  Anyone remember Jim’s Assassin’s Creed II review?  Perfect example.  He was honest with you and you wanted him to shine up what he thought was a turd because that’s what IGN, GT, or whatever publication did.  Well guess what? Instead he was a douche and an honest one at that.  We need more journalists like that and less of these cookie cutter reviewers that are flooding the internet these days.  I for one applaud Jim, and hope he keeps it up.

Be Funny

My final tip seems like an obvious one.  If you can make people laugh while talking about video games, you will get noticed.  Two people come to mind right away.  Mega64, and The Angry Video Game Nerd.  Both are able to consistently create hilarious content that gets millions and millions of views.  While they’re at it they’ll even mix in that douche bag honesty I spoke of earlier.  Their statistics speak for themselves.  Do I really need to elaborate on their success?  No, I didn’t think so.  Now you don’t need to be as funny as these people.  As a matter of fact, if you try and be funny, many will probably tell you to kill yourself.  “Hey Ash What ya Playin’” is a great show thats almost as popular as Mega64, or the AVGN.  You wouldn’t know it if you read the comments on Gametrailers though.  How dare they make funny, entertaining, free videos that can be viewed, or not viewed at your leisure?  Telling them to kill themselves seemed to be the consensus of the internet when they started, but people came around after awhile and realized “Hey!  These guys are good!”

Just let their rocky start serve as a warning to the rest of you who are considering an attempt at humor.  You will be told to kill yourself…at least once…probably by a 12 year old.

You are now Internet Video Game Famous

Okay so maybe it isn’t the be all end all list of talents required to be Internet Video Game Famous.  Obviously knowing how to use Photoshop, video editing software, capture software, having talent, and being able to write are all good qualities.  These extra abilities just seem to give you an edge that may or may not get you noticed.  You know how you’re not going to get Internet Video Game Famous?  By doing nothing, so get out there and start getting some death threats kiddies.  When you finally do, you’ll know you’re doing something right.

I love it when games use a strong artistic presence as part of their appeal. Limbo does this with it’s black and white world, but is that enough to make you want to part with $15 dollars just to play it?

Gameplay

You wake up, alone, in a mysterious world with only one option. To explore and find your sister. The game’s story is about a boy who is uncertain of his sisters fate, so he decides to enter Limbo. On your exploration of the unknown, the little boy you’re leading around will encounter various puzzles and mysterious inhabitants. It’s up to you to figure out how to progress. The control scheme is extremely simple. “A” jumps, and “X” grabs. It seems almost too simple until you get into the more complex puzzles at the end of the game, or until you encounter that one puzzle that will kill you again and again as you try to figure out how to progress. You’ll die frequently, not because the controls are difficult, but because the world has presented you with a new challenge to overcome.

Graphics

The entire game is based off of illustrations, and a concept animation created by Arnt Jensen. His vision inspired other producers and designers to come together, create Play Dead Studio and make Arnt’s vision come to life. I’d like to think that when you play Limbo, you’re playing a piece of art. At any moment you could pause the game and be looking at artwork on your television. As you can tell they intentionally used a lack of color when making the world and instead created a colorless world using light, and shadow to convey the puzzles and atmosphere. For me the art direction alone helps Limbo succeed where other games have failed. I’ve held my breath as I escaped shadowy monsters, cringed at the death sequences, and felt relief when it seemed like the boy would be okay. The fact that they could make me feel such a wide array of emotions with this artistic direction should be considered a triumph for the developers.

Difficulty

The controls aren’t difficult to pick up, but you will be challenged by the puzzles the environment presents. Through some trial and error that may involve many deaths you should be able to figure out how to proceed. When I would get stuck I’d sometimes put down the controller for a few minutes, think about how to approach the situation, and then come back to the game. The game is pretty easy and never left me frustrated.

Sound

Rarely will you be greeted with music, or loud sound effects, but what that does in increase the uncertainty and isolation you’ll feel. When you do hear something its very apparent that you need to either avoid, fear, or figure out a way to kill what you’ve encountered. The atmospheric vibe you get as you walk alone is expressed using little things like metal sounds as you run on pipes, or loud buzz-saws that are pressuring you to figure out the puzzles before you’re killed. There’s even moments where something like rain will dampen all noise around you and completely change the mood of the area. Limbo’s sound design is a great example of less being more.

Replayability

My first play through of the game probably took a total of about 3 or 4 hours. Unless you want to try and figure out how to get all the achievements, there’s not much of a reason to come back. However, the achievements encourage you to explore the world more than you already have. Some, like the “No point in dying achievement,” encourage you to perfect your skills by completing the game with 5 deaths or less in a single sitting. If you really like that type of challenge then you will get many more than the initial 4 hours out of the game. Personally I’ve attempted to get the 5 death achievement multiple times and can now get through the game in about an hour and 30 minutes. But, I find myself coming back over and over, trying to perfect my run through. I seriously haven’t been able to put it down since I got it.

I only have 2 issues with the game. The price, and the length. If you’re willing to part with $15 dollars to get this artistic adventure then buy it. You can do so knowing you’ve contributed to the independent gaming market and hopefully a future filled with more games like this. Games that are willing to explore a concept that so many people believed in that they made a game out of it.

Verdict: BUY IT!
Source: ScrewAttack

You know when you get excited for a new bag of jellybeans? The kind with an assortment of flavors? Well Naughty Bear is kind of like that bag of jellybeans, but instead of having a delicious bag of goodies with a few bad things in it, you open up this bag of jellybeans and someone has taken all of your favorite flavors out and replaced them with human excrement. I may or may not have eaten a bag of jelly beans before writing this review.

Anyway, lets continue with far less jellybean similes.

Naughty Bear (PS3, Xbox 360 [reviewed])
Developer: A2M
Publisher: 505 Games
Released: June 29, 2010
MSRP: $49.99

Just to set up the premise for you, Naughty Bear is a story about a stuffed bear who has been shunned by his fellow stuffed bears. To get back at them he is extremely Naughty and will usually murder everyone. That’s really the story, no I do not take drugs.

At first I was enjoying the games unique style of gameplay but that delusion quickly turned into resentment for the game had somehow managed to trick me for the first hour or so into thinking it wasn’t a bad game. Like getting a candy apple with razor blades inside I quickly realized that I had been tricked. At least this time I didn’t have to go to the hospital. The problem arose when my mouth started bleeding…. I mean… the problem arose when I began breaking down what was happening on the screen. My brain must have kicked in and started processing things again because I have no idea what made me think this was ever fun. After seeing the same animation for the 5th time I stopped laughing. After getting to the 3rd stage and realizing that this area the size of a tutorial level was indeed the entire game, I stopped exploring, and after trying to do the broken sneaking mission for the 10th time I was rushed to the hospital for a severe loss of blood. No wait, that was from the candy apple incident. After doing the sneaking mission for the 10th time I was getting pissed off.

Somehow these developers had taken a wonderful idea, almost an ingenious idea and destroyed any hope it ever had of being a decent game. Naughty Bear, which should only be referred to by reviewers as “The Fucking Disaster Experiment,” should only be played by those who care to see how a great idea can be raped.

“The Fucking Disaster Experiment” fails in its gameplay for many reasons. First off, the camera programmer must have been getting a blow job from a prostitute while writing code because in the year 2010, yes it’s 2010 if you haven’t been keeping track, in the year 2010 any competent programmer can design a camera system that fucking works. You can forgive that it’s a little bit jerky when you’re running around, but every single death animation is tarnished by bad camera placement. When entering into one of the 3 small rooms in the game your camera will have seizures until you find an exit. To me there’s only one reason this could of happened. The programmer was being slob jobbed while doing his work. Luckily they got a two for one deal on the prostitute that also prevented them from making a game with some decent combat mechanics. I say this because the combat mechanics obviously suffered from the same problems. The sex fest bender the developers went on must have caused them to run out of money because X is apparently the only button they could afford to pay the programmer to successfully program. Well I should take that back. Someone did sober up long enough to put in a scare and kill button because they actually work. After spamming the X button until the retarded AI is close enough to death, you can press the right trigger and be treated to a short animation in which you kill the cute cuddly bear in a comical manner. If you choose to scare them after ensnaring them in a trap you can actually drive them insane and watch as they lose their minds and kill themselves.

Giving them a copy of this game, also may have sufficed.

I actually feel genuine sorrow for the sound designer. Somehow this guy managed to stay sober, and do a decent job with the sound while the programmers were doing coke off of a strippers ass. The sound guys put in some great music to present the titles cuteness, while also preserving the ominous overtone. They even hired a great guy to do the voice over work. If you kill enough bears with the broken combat system the English voice actor rewards you with a funny remark like “Supreme Defluffication” or by shouting “It’s Naughty Time” when you pick up the right power up. The only thing that made the game bearable…oh shit did I just make that pun, fucking kill me now… the only thing that makes the game tolerable is the excitement the announcer has, the sound effects like the squeaks the bears make, and the music playing while you murder these innocent imaginary creatures.

Another group who won’t be finding out they have an STD in 3 months are the graphic designers. Probably the people who had the original idea, the graphic designers did a great job presenting the character “Naughty Bear” in “The Fucking Disaster Experiment,” as well as creating the homes and objects you’ll see in the extremely small level. The level of detail in the game isn’t anything to write home about, but for the subject manner being presented, the low level of detail works. I did find that the animations suffered from many of the same problems the camera did, aka not looking right, and sometimes just being broken all together. We’ll just assume that was because the animator overdosed half-way through the game’s creation process and was only able to make 80% of the animations look awesome, while telling someone else to handle all the broken things. At least the intro cut scenes all look great which helps trick you into thinking there’s more there than just a great idea here that’s been fondled by 5 rich business men who left it a scarred shell. That means the animator must have done something right.

Multiplayer is a lot like a party you don’t want to be at. The people take forever to show up and when they do it still ends with you being molested by your uncle. At least this time the party never starts because no one can figure out what the ready button does. It has all the same problems as the single player except it’s somehow managed to be less fun. There’s 4 great modes you won’t be able to play with anyone because it’s either too laggy, or because everyone playing this game is a fucking moron and can’t figure out how to start a match. I didn’t think it would be possible, but somehow multiplayer manged to let me down even more.

I honestly wanted “The Fucking Disaster Experiment” to succeed but it’s shortcomings in the programming department prevent it from becoming anything more than a game we’ll all look back on and feel sad feelings for. We’ll feel sad because it could of been great, and instead we all had to play whatever this was supposed to be. This is a disaster that I hope someone will be able to make a functional game out of someday as we sure as hell didn’t get it this time.

Score: 4.0 — Below Average

If you’re a Playstation 3 owner than you’ve probably heard of Uncharted 2. The hype behind Naughty Dog’s latest outing has been simply astounding, but now the final product is out and we get to see if it live up to all our expectations.

Gameplay

It’s been awhile since a game has done so much right and Nathan Drake is just the guy to remind us what great gaming can be. Yet again he’s on one of his quests for treasure and he’ll be leading the way through gunfights, and last second escapes that will have you picking your jaw up off of the floor. Despite an early level that has some problems, you’ll quickly find yourself glued to your television, clenching your controller and loving every second of this story that keeps you immersed from start to finish. It’s hard to tell if it’s when you jump out of a crumbling building or barely escape a chopper on a moving train, but when you play Uncharted 2, you know you’re experiencing something special. Every weapon you handle has a distinct feel to it, meaning you may have a few favorites, but that’s not due to a lack of options. Climbing, jumping, cover and takedowns all work together to give you a cinematic experience that really lets you feel like you’re part of a movie. Get ready for a superbly presented story and solid gameplay that will have you awake way past your bedtime because you just can’t put it down.

Difficulty

Uncharted 2 has the wonderful option of being as difficult as you want it to be. If you’re not an expert at games, or simply want to enjoy the show, the “very easy” option is for you. If you want a challenge, then there’s “hard” mode. Despite the level of difficulty chosen, most of the challenges in the game are going to involve puzzle solving. This doesn’t mean enemies are easy, as you’ll discover in later levels when you’re forced to plan out an attack and with a little luck, you should be able to survive just fine.

Graphics

Environments, characters, and objects all work together in Uncharted to create a truly awe-inspiring experience. These aren’t soulless 3D models that you are unable to connect with. The characters feel like real people and when you’re not knee deep in action, I hope you take a few seconds to look around and realize what you’re seeing is truly gorgeous.

Sound

A big part of the experience is listening to your surroundings. Hearing characters banter back and forth while working through levels really makes you care whether they live or die, and during the moments people aren’t talking, you’re treated to an exhilarating score that always fits the situation. The actual voice acting is top notch, and was recorded as the actors were physically acting out the scenes. This touch gives the game a movie like feeling you’ll notice the entire game. Every sound has been given a high level of care, be it the rattle of a machine gun turret, the voice acting, the score, or just the cold mountain breeze. Every game should look to Uncharted 2 as an example of how it’s done right.

Replayability

You will be coming back to Uncharted 2. This isn’t a game you will buy, then plow through the campaign and never touch again. There’s in-game cut scenes you can re-watch, unlockables that include 50 minutes of behind the scenes extras, tons of concept art, unlockable tweaks, weapons, clothing, modes, and I haven’t even talked about the multiplayer mode yet. This is all just for the campaign! On the multiplayer side of things, Naughty Dog has really done a lot of work to create an experience that will have us coming back for months. Every game type you can think of is included; deathmatch, objective based games like capture the flag and king of the hill, co-operative campaign playthroughs, and even the co-op arena, similar to hoard mode in Gears of War 2, or firefight in Halo 3: ODST. There’s also a casual or ranked mode, so if you’re looking to hit the top of the leaderboard, then make sure you’re playing ranked games. One other multiplayer mode that needs to be mentioned is machinima mode. It’s very similar to Halo 3’s theater mode, and offers a great set of tools for machinima makers, the most powerful of which is a green-screen mode. Also, there is a playback feature so you can re-live your moments of glory.

Verdict: Buy it!

Uncharted 2 gives Playstation 3 owners a game to be proud of, and non-owners a reason to buy the console. Like Halo for the original X-Box, Uncharted 2 is reason enough to buy a Playstation 3. It’s that good. For just a second, lets pretend you didn’t see this coming. We definitely recommend you buy it.

Source: ScrewAttack

I should be thanking the developers. Up until about an hour before writing this, I thought we were going to pass on preview coverage of Borderlands because we weren’t able to use any video footage. Well, having the guilty concience I do and having a lot of videos do this week I said I’m going to sit down, and give this game about an hour. It took about 5 minutes and I was hooked.

Click here to read the full preview…

UPDATE:
It seems that this may just be some very well done fan art as Yoshinori Ono said the two new characters will be revealed at TGS this September.
http://www.eventhubs.com/news/2010/jul/24/ono-announcements-comic-con-2010/

Okay so this is just a rumor until tomorrow but listen up. If you happen to be following the Super Street Fighter IV fan page on Facebook then you probably already know this, but the rest of us can now start squealing like little girls. The two empty slots that some noticed on the character select image that hit the net a few days ago have apparently been filled. So who are the two new characters that seem to be making their way into Super Street Fighter IV? Who you ask? None other than Alex, and Rolento!

No one knows for sure if this is just the beginning of a character DLC push by Capcom, or some eager fans teasing us with wishful character additions, but we can expect more announcements from Capcom this weekend. I hope these “rumored” additions are for both the console and the arcade versions because if it was just for one, well that just wouldn’t be fair. Hey Capcom, if you’re listening, make sure you add Q and his “S my D” move of greatness. THANK YOU!

Thanks Mike Dodd for the heads up!
Source: SSFIV Facebook

A source who wishes to remain anonymous has leaked a little tidbit of info that may be interesting to some of you.

The source, who I again remind you wished to remain anonymous, is saying that an internal memo has been circulating around Sony that hints at what everyone has been hoping to be true. That Sony’s black beauty the PS3 will be getting a price drop this Christmas. To quote “we got an internal memo from ______ saying there should be a price drop soon.”

Maybe that’s why they closed the store in the Metreon. You know, to offset the money they’ll lose with every sale of the now, reasonably priced console.

Lets all have a moment of silence for the store in the Metreon…at least before we break open the champagne and all buy PS3’s.

Source: ScrewAttack

Sony may have denied the 3.0 firmware rumors we talked about on Friday, the PS3 slim, and the price drop many of us are expecting, but one thing they can’t deny is their software sales. Unfortunately PS3 exclusives are selling rather low quantities with only one new property, Resistance: fall of man, breaking a million sales. Uncharted has sold 2.6 million copies worldwide, but included in that number are games that have been bundled with PS3 systems and not off of store shelves. To compare, Gears of War sold a million copies in the first month, and Gears 2 sold 1.56 million units in the first month. Now I didn’t bring this up to bash on sony, but more to ask the same question GameSetWatch.com asked with this study. Has the release of original properties paid off for Sony? The sales would say no, but with sequels like Uncharted 2 coming out this year that could quickly change. Just thought I’d leave you something to think about today

Via: GameSetWatch

From the YouTube description

“What if you were a Hollywood movie star with an obsession for cars and racing? You would probably read every script with even the tiniest link to the subject matter, in the hope that you could tell a great car story of the likes of Grand Prix, Le Mans or Mad Max. Then one day you happened to open your garage door and sitting there, right in front of you, was the film you had been searching for.”

This movie looks pretty good, stars Eric Bana, and if you love cars you’ll see why I posted it after you watch the trailer.

Holy poop the Mass Effect 2 trailer looks amazing. This Pre-E3 video from BioWare and EA shows some of the amazing new improvements to Mass Effect 2, everything from cinematics, gameplay combat and of course… weapons. At E3 only a select few will get the change to demo this. If you go to E3 2009 make sure you try and get in on this.